Mmm... is it that I'm having mental issues or is it my expectation simply too high or she bo chup?

It's been like a few days since she got so mad at me, interesting facts I ponder on over a few days ago.

1. When we are planning our outings, dates or whatever it's called, I realised that friends takes priority over me. Fine with me if it's a very important matters to attend to but yeah, I don't quite see the importance. Problem is, if it happens that we have our date on a particular date and her friend happen to ask her out on that day, ours get postponed. I didn't see the vice versa effect otherwise.

2. When we are out, shops that I entered will bore her to death, but hers don't have the same effect on me. Honestly, it's not that it doesn't have, I guess I can relate. The world doesn't revolve around me, I revolve around the world. Fair? Maybe, if I bring her somewhere to sit down and talk matters concerning us, it bores her to death. Good thing is, she's honest about it and tells me straight that she's bored, let's go somewhere interesting. It sure looks like running away from problems and not solving them, hence the frequent bickering over the same issue, everytime.

3. Over our dreaded quarrel sometime back, I posted my problems on a public forum and I got a very interesting points to ponder about,

"if u're mostly ang moh pai, and she's mostly chinese, you sure u guys communicate well? u say when u're out mostly ish u tokking. that sounds like one-way communication. 9 months already she's not said that she loves u. not that it's a criteria la, but after so long, how sure are you about her feelings? u sure she's not with u cos u earning money and being a roberto?"

this particular post makes me wonder, is she really that shy that it gets priority over her feelings for me? I even simplified the question into a "yes" or "no" question and she still won't answer me directly. She once said that she only speaks of stuff that comes from her heart on relationship concerning matters. if that's the case, she's refusing to say it out because she's shy or is the above quoted sentence true? I might never know...

4. I was asked, "why are you so insecure about and don't trust me...". It was very interesting that I was asked this question by her but it seems that answer falls over deaf ears.

Even before our dating stage, I was looked upon as a guy that doesn't provide any sense of security. It changed definitely after we got together, evidently cause I asked her about it and I got a positive answer. I went great extend to make her feel secure. Now problem is, in return I didn't get any feelings of securities, nothing. I've yet to see her trying, and honestly, I didn't see even a start of it.

Same shit when I ask her face to face, no answer and a turn of the head. I asked tricked questions like

" are you pissed if I flirt with another girl "

" what if the girls flirts with me "

and the answers that I get are simply outrageous.

" I'll just break off with you "

I would've preferred

" why would you flirt? aren't we attached? aren't you my bf? "

but yeah, no I didn't get such answers.

I'd be damned to say if I'm feeling 0% secure but the percentage of feeling secure is only like 10%? Knowing the fact that her thoughts works on logic and our intimate moments are the only thing that makes me feel secure but unfortunately, sense of securities are best fed from time to time and instead of getting fed, I get deprived! Right now, I'm just assuming blindly that she loves me, without any evidence, without any proof, without any words of assurance. I might wake up from being ignorant, but I don't actually think she cares.

Every single say, I ask myself what I did to deserve this. Fortunately, I'm a man of my word, I gave my word, I'll love her unconditionally, wholeheartedly. I'll never lie nor will I cheat on her and that's exactly what I'm gonna do. The world is round, what you do to hurt others, will eventually comes back to you.

I'm not complaining here, just ranting...